I’m Not Afraid to Be Controversial

My last blog post got quite the…uhm, feedback if you will. It was raw, unedited, and came straight from my heart. In fact, it touched someone so much that they felt the need to message me and tell me that no one wants to associate with me because of it. (insert eye roll and shoulder shrug here) 

Needless to say, words were exchanged, I was told I was exhausting, and I waved buh bye to that person, and life has been fabulous! I’m not going to lie, her words cut like a knife, and were quite frankly, meant to be hurtful and downright mean. She completely misunderstood the point of the writing, and went right into attack mode, thinking my piece was controversial… {Side note: I’m thankful for the past bullies that I had in my life, for they taught me how to deal with the bullies in my present!} But, I digress…

Here’s the thing that I’ve been trying to convey to people for the last few years now. I’m not afraid to be controversial. I’m not afraid to put my feelings out there, to be vulnerable, and to get a little deep.

I’m not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I’m not afraid to let my words bleed off of me and onto this page.

I’m not afraid of caring, of loving, of having a heart in an all too cruel world.

I’m not afraid to stand up for myself, for what I believe in, or for what’s right, even if that means I’m standing alone.

I’m not afraid to argue, to be outspoken. To lead, and not follow.

I’m not afraid of my scars or bruises, and I’m not afraid to expose them.

I’m not afraid to color, to paint, to make a mess. Because after all, isn’t life about creating your own rainbow?

I’m not afraid to share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions anymore.

I know that this way of thinking may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and you know what? That’s okay. It’s not meant to.

See, I used to be the shy, quiet girl who let people walk all over me. I would take and take and take all of the hurtful comments and pretend that they didn’t bother me. I’d always turn the other cheek, or become complacent to the opinions of others.

I was always that girl who never took a chance. Never dared to shake things up. I would always walk on eggshells, for fear of being hated and judged. I stayed in my comfortable little zone that I had built for myself, and that was fine! Until, I figured out that nothing great ever happens there.

So, I changed. Just like that. 

My goal in this life is simple. I want to leave a mark on this world. I want to make a splash, make an imprint on the hearts and minds of people, and make an actual difference.

I realized that I can’t do that by simply being quiet. I can’t do that by sitting on the sidelines watching life pass me by. I can’t do that by dwelling on the negative thoughts from myself, or from others.

I can’t listen to the voices that tell me “don’t do that” or “you shouldn’t do that.” 

I can’t be mousey or weak.

Thinking back on my life, I have always been the girl who went against the grain. I was never one to conform to the “norms” of society, and I still refuse to do so. I’m just not that girl. 

I’m different, unique, colorful, and perfectly perfect in my own way. I’m not saying that I don’t make mistakes or have regrets because Lord knows, I do. I’m not saying that I’m confident, happy, or strong all the time because I’m not. And, I’m certainly never out to offend or hurt anyone. Ever. 

But, I’m not going to apologize for being who I am. No matter what anyone says or thinks.

I’m not going to apologize for feeling. I’m not going to apologize for my emotions. I’m not going to apologize for my heart or for what’s in my heart.

I’m not going to apologize for sharing my thoughts, feelings, or opinions, despite how uncomfortable they might seem to others.

I’m not going to apologize for fighting for myself, for standing up for myself, for getting my words out.

Once upon a time I used to care what e v e r y o n e thought about me, and I would spend hours upon hours desperately trying to gain their approval and validation, all the while ignoring my heart and letting it suffer. I’d try to fit in, try to please everyone else, except myself.

But, that was the old me.

And maybe my newfound outlook and attitude is exhausting. Maybe it does make some people not want to associate with me. And, honestly, that’s okay. Because the people who are meant to be in my life, the people that are meant to be my friends, will love and accept me through my flaws and all! Those are the people I want. Those are the people I deserve.

I’m sorry, the old Allison can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she’s evolved. 

 

 

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